So I have been dreading this post a bit because it means I have to be quite vulnerable and get personal but it needs to be done so here goes…
Last week I had a family issue. I live with my sister and until recently we ate the same food and she would mostly cook but she would write out my half of the grocery money and because I make less than her and need to make car payments it started to stress me out so we decided to buy our own food. On Thanksgiving we were able to share the leftovers and my sister mentioned making something with the leftovers. I assumed that I would be able to partake but she wasn’t to crazy about it and I understood I really just hadn’t realized. What caused the issue was when I impulsively drank something she had made for friends visiting the next day. I knew it was wrong but in the moment I didn’t even think about it. I just wanted to drink something sweet and that was what was there. I am not impulsive at all in life but when it comes to food or something sweet I stop thinking and just act!
It became this whole thing because my sister vented with my mother about what I had done and my mom called me and told me about it. I hadn’t realized that it was going to blow up and I felt ambushed and very guilty because I realized that I had been very selfish. So this is finally the part when you guys finally see that the word weirdo on my title fits me….. When I realize something about myself that I don’t like I get very sensitive and guilty and I cry. Ugh… I hate crying because I want to be tough. I like to make people think that I don’t care and vulnerability and emotions are extremely difficult for me.
I have friends who cry with no fear when they are in a stressful situation. I cant do that and if I feel like I might start to show emotion in front of anyone I remove myself as fast as I can or I pretend to be tough. When I get stressed and upset I cuss like crazy so when my parents ask me to open up after I already feel guilty I remove myself from it because that means they will see me at my most vulnerable and I cant handle that. I realize that I can be selfish when it comes to my emotions but it is very difficult for me to open up face to face. The written word definitely makes me feel more relaxed and helps me open up more.
So when our impulses affect others is that portrayed as selfishness or does selfishness have nothing to do with our impulses?