Wow!!! I know I have been MIA in the past but this is going on a little more than two months and I apologize for that. I promise I won’t go two months without updating again. Things have been going on and dare I say improving in my life. Have been getting busier working on other projects so that has kept my mind occupied. I am sure I have mentioned before that I am or was quite a negative nelly and am trying to be more positive.
I do feel happier even though I was stuck in the same old boring retail job that has no future until very recently. I am leaving the sucker and am finally going into a more creative atmosphere which is what I had always been craving! Funny thing though I got this job when I least expected it, as it usually happens. My sister had heard about this job fair and I wasn’t in any mood to go but went to shut her and my mom up and that is where I left my resume for this company and eventually heard from them and interviewed with them. I know if I hadn’t gone I would still have been stuck at this job and who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get out. Although as I said, I would’ve been stuck there with a more positive attitude (I can only hope).
Like I mentioned in my last post I am writing a book. I had said I would but I was scared to because I have to work on my lack of follow through when it comes to my writing projects. I have just recently started to feel more confident in my writing and so I am enjoying the process a lot more. Of course I have those moments where writing this novel drives me crazy because I can’t focus on my job and I find myself writing ideas on receipt paper and then there are times my mind is blank and I can’t think of anything at all. I have someone wanting to help me get published but I need to be approved by 3 people to be considered for the publishing company. I am keeping a positive attitude and for some reason I really believe I will be published as long as I finish the book on time (My deadline is the first week of September). I have been sending my work out and have been getting good feedback. All these things are really making me feel like a have a better sense of purpose in my life and therefore I feel more positive and confident in what is to come.
I am going back a little to my old negative ways when it comes to what my future job will entail. I have bad experiences before with jobs that seem to be to good to be true and they are and this company I’ll be joining gave me a bit of that vibe but I am not going to go into it thinking negatively or I will be doomed. I’ll go into it with a positive attitude and learn as much as I can and get everything I can out of it. Thinking positively has helped me reach my short term goals quicker than I had before but I still do have a long way to go. It still isn’t easy for me to plaster a fake smile on my face when I have one of the worst customers doing things that just annoy the hell out of me but someone told me you should act like you are already working at your dream job. This one is the hardest one for me to do cause as I have said over and over again I just didn’t like where I was! Was! That word sounds like heaven to me because it means I wont be at this job much longer. Now that is something to be positive about!
We do all tend to be brought down and think negatively because of the problems and obstacles that present themselves to us but there is always someone out there who is worse off than we are.
So why do we feel like victims in our own life when we should be grateful for what we have?
Dreams…. that word scares the crap out of me. My ultimate dream is to work in film and live in California. Because this is my ultimate goal it doesn’t scare me as much as my smaller dreams do. The ones that could potentially lead you to your final goal.
I get a lot of ideas… writing projects if you will. If you haven’t already noticed… I love to write which is why I decided to blog but writing scares me… which is why I don’t do it often. It is something I am praised about and yet I don’t believe I am any good at it. I don’t like reading what I have just written, it always seems off to me.
I have tried to write a few scripts but I get frustrated because I don’t know how to organize my thoughts or I try to come up with a different plot twist but my ideas just aren’t up to par and I give up and move on.
I recently watched the documentary “The Secret” and it really made me realize that I am not thinking the way that I am supposed to be thinking to feel fulfilled and happy in my life. I am a negative person so I attract negativity into my life. Now I have a new dream, the old me would say ” I am thinking about writing a novel”. The new me decides to say “I am going to write a novel”. This idea really scares me most of all, to the point where I don’t want to tell my parents because I am afraid I will never finish and disappoint them yet again with another unfinished writing project.
I am thinking more positive now so I know I will write this novel and I wont disappoint anyone anymore. I tell people what I am going to do so I feel committed and I do it but I just need to start doing it and believing more in my craft. If I believe that I am a good writer and think positively about the writing process and the experience that means that I am chasing at least one of my dreams and it will come true, and this could lead me to something else… you just never know.
So why are we scared of our dreams? Why do we think about doing something instead of taking action and just doing it?
I am sure that when it comes to exes we have all made mistakes that we wish we hadn’t. When we are new to relationships we are very insecure and are not entirely sure how it works and what the rules are. Why X’s instead of exes? Because I think you should just cross them off your life. Some people can be friends with their exes and that’s fine but it’s just not for me.
The first guy that seemed to be remotely interested was this guy I pretty much spoke with only online. He was 30 and I was 22 (late bloomer). First sign that he wasn’t right for me (or anyone for that matter) is when he told me he loved me after four days. The second sign was that he had baby mama drama. The third sign was pretty obvious, he kept breaking up with me every Friday. Sadly he was the first guy to really pay that kind of attention to me and I didn’t think I could do any better. Every Friday I convinced (cringing) him to stay with me and we got back together every Monday. The dude was unstable. He pretended to be his ex once and called me all types of names. In the beginning I thought it was him but he dragged the convo on and it seemed very convincing. I was riddled with anxiety with him all the time and I wasn’t happy. I went to Spain one summer so internet was limited because we didn’t have an internet provider in our house. I spoke to him less and less and realized that I didn’t miss him as much. When I was finally back in the States he called me and I just told him I didn’t want to hear from him anymore. He later texted me telling me that he didn’t want me to hate him. I didn’t hate him I felt sorry for him but there was no way I was keeping him in my life. I really thought it would be smooth sailing because he was 8 years older but immaturity has no age.
When I was 24 I met a 28 year old guy online (see a pattern here?) but we did meet in person and it happened fast. We got to know each other for about 6 month before we got together but I had to keep bringing the convo up. He never really seemed to want to talk about getting together and once we did I fell into the same pattern of me trying to convince him to be with me. He didn’t think I was mature enough to make my own decisions and he kept second guessing us. We weren’t together long though. I was quickly getting sick of me trying to convince him to stay with me but again I thought I couldn’t do any better so I stayed. Towards the end of our first month I didn’t hear from him for about 10 days and I met my sisters ex boyfriends brother and I realized I liked him and that I wasn’t missing my bf anymore. When I finally heard from him again I broke it off with him. Why? Because I knew I could do better.
The last guy was the one I thought I could have a good relationship with. I never really had to convince him to be interested in me. He seemed to be interested and stayed interested for a while but he had been deployed when we started talking so again it was an online thing. He did mention that he was recently divorced which bothered me a bit because I didn’t want any drama from his ex. I remember asking him if he was sure about getting to know me and pursuing this when his deployment was over and he said yes. So low and behold he calls me when he lands and then texts me but the texts and calls quickly disintegrate. He kept saying he was busy and visiting all these people and I wondered well if he is visiting everyone why isn’t he making plans to come see me? I would text him every once in a while with no response and then I saw him online and said hello. He never wrote back. I know that he obviously got cold feet when he got home because his divorce just seemed that much more real but an apology or some closure would have been nice. If you aren’t sure if you can handle something don’t tell me you can!
Just yesterday I spoke to Aislinn, a cousin of mine who got dumped (gave me her blessing to be mentioned) and she is all upset about the breakup (understandable). They broke up last week and I asked her if she had reached out to him she said she had already called him and texted a few times. I would have given him a little time to breathe and since I am tired of convincing men to be with me I would have waited to see if he made the first move to get back together. Aislinn said that he hadn’t answered to any of her inquiries…that’s when you need to stop. If he isn’t calling you back then he needs time to think things over and you need to give him that or you’ll look like a psycho ex and he’ll never take you back.
So why do we try to claw and scratch our way back into a relationship when we know deep down that it just isn’t stable or right enough for us? We are all worthy of getting the best of the best so why settle for an idiot that can’t give us what we want and need? We will find someone better and he/she will come when we stop clawing and scratching our way in.