Hey Bitch!

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Honey, Sweetie, Baby, are all terms of endearment that we give to people we care about. I honestly don’t use these words and don’t throw them around for just anyone but most normal people do. Now however, bitch seems to be a word that is being added to this list and I am very confused and dumbfounded as to why.

I remember the first time I heard girls call each other bitch without the venom that is usually heard in someone’s tone of voice while being spat out. I had gone to visit a cousin of mine and celebrated my 25th birthday with her. She got a little drunk and her and her friends just started saying things like “Aww, you bitch” or “Hey bitch, what’s up?” when waving at friends. I kept thinking….umm what? Come again? Are they using that word as a term of endearment? It really caught me off guard.

The worst thing you can call me is a bitch. I remember when I was in college I got a call in my dorm and it was just some bored prick making random phone calls but he called me a bitch and hung up. I had trouble sleeping that night so hearing these girls use this word so freely was a little upsetting to me. I know people might say that we shouldn’t give words power, you know, the whole sticks and stones bit but most of us aren’t as strong as that and we do take things to heart whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not.

Bitch has a negative connotation because lets face it, this word has almost always been used as an insult. There are so many other words we women could use to empower ourselves. Why not use a positive uplifting word instead of bitch? When I think someone is a bitch it sure isn’t cause I like her.

Haunted

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Have you ever been told a story that haunted you long after it was told? Not the kind of story with ghosts and witches but the kind of story that just left you….wondering…thinking if you’d ever find out what happened?

My dad had a lot of things happen to him throughout his life. We often wondered how he got to be the age that he is, well and alive. He got into several accidents… he was in a bike accident causing him to fall into a bush of thorns, he was in a horrible car accident where he hit a cow. The most memorable thing for me was when he dove into a empty pool head first. No he isn’t stupid… he had just assumed the pool would have water in it. He and his friends always asked permission to use the pool but that day he was asking permission and running toward it at the same time. He wasn’t looking straight ahead.. he was looking at the man who let them use it so by the time he turned it was too late. He only ended up with a few scrapes on his forearms and I think a broken wrist. I know! Someone clearly wants him to live for a long time.

So as the story goes my dad was on business in Norway and was in a club in Edinburgh. He decided to leave the club because everyone around him was drunk and he has never been much of a drinker so he went out for a walk. I think he was heading back to where he was staying when he stumbled upon a fellow Spaniard (lets call him Pablo) who asked him what he was doing. My dad told him he was heading back home but Pablo convinced him to go back to the club. Pablo said he had some friends that he wanted my dad to meet but once they got back to the club they wouldn’t let my dad back in. My dad was told he had to pay an entrance fee even though he already had his wrist stamped from when he went in the first time. When my dad refused that’s when the shit hit the fan. Pablo stepped in to defend my father and the doorman brought out his goons. The doorman punched my dad and my dad fell to the floor bleeding. Pablo pulled out a knife from his pocket and put himself in between my dad and the goons and told my dad to get a taxi and he would soon follow. My dad didn’t want to leave him but Pablo insisted so my dad got into a taxi but he had the driver go around and around the same block with no luck. My dad never saw Pablo again and often wonders what happened to him. He is also riddled with guilt but there was nothing he could have done, he even tried contacting the Spanish Embassy but no one could help him.

I know my dad considers Pablo to be his guardian angel… at least for that night.

So why do some stories haunt us more than any scary story we’ve heard? Is it because there was nothing that could be done?

 

Stuck, Confused and shall we say slightly Desperate?

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Whoa!! Its been a little more than a month since I have updated. For those of you who care I’ll try not to go that long again without posting but if you just started reading my blog I am sure you couldn’t care less so on with it. Wishing you a belated HAPPY NEW YEAR and hope all your dreams come true… ok… now on with the post.

I am so stuck in a rut it’s unbelievable and I am sure that I am not the only one. Something happened to me last Friday though that made me think wow! I am smarter than this, why did I do it?

So on my amazing exciting retail job I helped a customer who was “impressed” with my customer service skills. I think I may have been acting very well that day, anyway he told me his job was looking for new recruits and he would call me to set up an interview. I didn’t think I would hear from him and honestly I didn’t really care but low and behold he contacted me. Isn’t it funny when you hear from the jobs you couldn’t care less about and never hear from the one you really want? Went to the interview and what little expectation I had quickly washed off me the more I learned about this company but I was so desperate to get away from my job that I kept trying to find the silver lining. The guy then asks me for money to do a background check. I thought it was weird but I didn’t get a bad feeling from it and I gave him a credit card. I realize I had been hired on the spot although I was never told and when I called my mom and told her about the money she freaked out! “You are smarter than this”, “You are thinking like a little child”, “They are going to wipe us out”! Turns out that wasn’t the case but I did realize wow! I must be more desperate than I thought to get out of retail if I didn’t even ask why they needed the card.

The whole situation just made me more depressed. I thought this company was my light at the end of the tunnel and it really wasn’t. I spoke to my mom and realized that I still don’t exactly know what I want to do. I know that I want media involved. Forms of entertainment (except porn) have always interested me, any company that is involved in the creative would be something that would get me excited with life. Like I said on my first post I like being invisible and not being noticed so learning things behind the scenes would be a good fit for me. I was trying to get into PR but my mom mentioned that I don’t like the public, which is true but there are always going to be parts of your job that you don’t like even if it is your passion right?

Honestly? I haven’t really been looking for a job to get out of the one I oh so love! Why? Because I have had ample opportunity to move forward and something always happens that throws me back. I have this voice telling me why bother? You have tried and you keep falling down, maybe you’ve exhausted all your options… and I don’t want to get excited over a job just to get my dreams crushed yet again.

So why would we rather just exist in depression and not live in happiness?

Do impulsiveness and selfishness go hand in hand?

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So I have been dreading this post a bit because it means I have to be quite vulnerable and get personal but it needs to be done so here goes…

Last week I had a family issue. I live with my sister and until recently we ate the same food and she would mostly cook but she would write out my half of the grocery money and because I make less than her and need to make car payments it started to stress me out so we decided to buy our own food. On Thanksgiving we were able to share the leftovers and my sister mentioned making something with the leftovers. I assumed that I would be able to partake but she wasn’t to crazy about it and I understood I really just hadn’t realized. What caused the issue was when I impulsively drank something she had made for friends visiting the next day. I knew it was wrong but in the moment I didn’t even think about it. I just wanted to drink something sweet and that was what was there. I am not impulsive at all in life but when it comes to food or something sweet I stop thinking and just act!

It became this whole thing because my sister vented with my mother about what I had done and my mom called me and told me about it. I hadn’t realized that it was going to blow up and I felt ambushed and very guilty because I realized that I had been very selfish. So this is finally the part when you guys finally see that the word weirdo on my title fits me….. When I realize something about myself that I don’t like I get very sensitive and guilty and I cry. Ugh… I hate crying because I want to be tough. I like to make people think that I don’t care and vulnerability and emotions are extremely difficult for me.

I have friends who cry with no fear when they are in a stressful situation. I cant do that and if I feel like I might start to show emotion in front of anyone I remove myself as fast as I can or I pretend to be tough. When I get stressed and upset I cuss like crazy so when my parents ask me to open up after I already feel guilty I remove myself from it because that means they will see me at my most vulnerable and I cant handle that.  I realize that I can be selfish when it comes to my emotions but it is very difficult for me to open up face to face. The written word definitely makes me feel more relaxed and helps me open up more.

So when our impulses affect others is that portrayed as selfishness or does selfishness have nothing to do with our impulses?

 

Common Courtesy

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I have pretty much only worked on some type of customer service all my life, whether it be tourism or marketing I have always been in a job where I have to kiss ass. I have had to kiss ass a lot but I’ve never really seen the side of people that I am privy too working in retail.

I have had people that really talk to me with such condescension. I just recently had a customer ask me if there was anyway I could see if a coupon that wasn’t offered for another day could be used for a piece of merchandise. I told her that there was just no way to figure that out until the day of. She asked me if I was new and I told her I have been here more than a year (unfortunately) and she huffed and left. A few seconds later I heard her ask another associate and tell her that I didn’t know anything. Really?! That was a definite lack of common courtesy to me. If you need to talk badly about someone do it discreetly or wait until you are at least 100 yards away from me. She seemed to be intentionally loud so I could hear. Ok… and the point of that is what? How is that supposed to help anyone? It just makes you look like a bitch and it makes me feel like shit.

Another thing I get a lot is just dirty, gross people. I understand that it is part of our jobs to fix and re arrange our displays but it really doesn’t take much for people to just put things back where they found them. We clearly aren’t that lazy. You decided to get out of bed, shower, dress and drive to the store so it would make sense that you could just hang something back on a rack. If people walk around the store and decide not to get something at the last minute then ok…. I guess I can deal with that but when you dump something on top of a rack instead of just taking a few extra seconds to hang it or loop it in the same spot I don’t understand that. People just dump scarves and gloves on the same displays where they found it. It only takes a few extra seconds to fold the scarf or put the gloves back the same way they were found. If someone tries to put them back that’s what matters but when you see things on the floor, someone obviously doesn’t care. It is like if you were invited to stay at someone’s home and didn’t clean up after yourself because it isn’t your house. Its just common courtesy to want to clean your own mess being in someone else’s house (unless you’re extremely comfortable with them). I have heard of people actually shitting in the fitting rooms on our merchandise. That is a severe lack of common courtesy…. I think that’s more of a mental situation.

I am the first to admit I can be extremely lazy and common courtesy can go out the window for me with people that I am comfortable with because I feel that I can be at my worst and they will still be there but when it comes to strangers I always try to be on my best behavior. I really care what people think so when I go to a store or to a restaurant I always try to be as nice as possible so I guess I don’t understand why others don’t try to do the same.

Are we just so in our own world that we don’t realize our common courtesy can sometimes be lacking or do we really just not care? Whatever happened to treat others the way you want to be treated?

Defeated

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Judgment day happens everyday in our society especially with looks and beauty being more important now than ever before. We judge people on how they talk, carry themselves, look and act. Before we would think  “ugh what was she thinking leaving the house like that” but with the internet it is actually being said in the written word. We are more aware of being judged because as a people we are more vocal.

Judgment day for me was supposed to be on Saturday and I guess it was just not in the way I expected. As I am sure you know by now (or maybe you don’t) I am pretty private so putting my words out there especially on social media gives me the hibby jibbies but I decided to face my fears and do it. I wrote on someone’s social media page and posted my blog link to get more views and traffic. After I did this I kept thinking I was going to get slammed and judged by others for doing this but nothing happened. When I finally checked the page I realized that my post had been taken down probably no more than an hour after I had posted. This pissed me off and depressed me because I realized that this person didn’t even bother to read my work before taking the post down. I understand that we live in a selfish world. It has to be about us and if we don’t get a post that at least references us on our page we tend to shy away. I do think my post might have been a bit ostentatious and obnoxious but if I had someone putting a post on my page I would read it first and if it wasn’t appropriate leave a message to let this person know that I am taking the post down and this is the reason why.

After this happened I really felt defeated. Just like anyone else I have had some punches and challenges thrown at me and it gets tiring after a while. I see people who have been in their desired career from a young age and wonder why this couldn’t happen to me. I really thought posting would get me my audience quick but when it didn’t for a split second I wondered “why am I doing this?” but I do enjoy writing this blog so the question was quickly erased from my mind. This question stuck with me though:

When life keeps throwing punches at you how long can you keep getting up with a smile on your face before you either aren’t motivated at the obstacles that keep coming your way or you just decide not to get back up?

We all should be thankful for what we have and to not compare ourselves to others but when we try to reach our dreams and obstacles are in the way it is hard to remember that there are others far less fortunate than us.

ROAD RAGE!!!

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I remember when I was about 17 I had a friend who was in her cussing phase. She would use the word fuck at least once in every sentence and I didn’t understand why she used that kind of language. I would cringe every time and I would always ask her why she had such a dirty mouth. Before I started to learn to drive the worst word out of my mouth was stupid but when I started driving a few months shy of my 18th birthday my vocabulary changed drastically.

I soon started joining my friend and used the word fuck quite often although because I grew up in Mexico I was also cussing in Spanish. My favorite words to use are cabron, pendejo, puta madre, puto and a la chingada. The year after I started driving I went to Spain to visit family and my new favorite word was joder, until my mom pretty much told me to cut it out.

Driving in Mexico is different than driving in the U.S. I am an aggressive driver and it is because people, especially taxi and bus drivers, don’t drive all that well there (at least not where I was raised) and I was very comfortable giving people the evil eye, honking my horn and yelling “pinche puto”. People don’t tend to be confrontational there so I was never worried that I would have someone drive after me and go crazy.

When I moved here (U.S) my dad told me to be careful, not to honk my horn if I could avoid it and to try not being so aggressive. I thought he was being a bit paranoid and then one day I went out to dinner with my sister and some friends. We were driving all over D.C looking for a parking spot and when we found one my sister drove towards it. We noticed a car coming the opposite way but we were closer to the space so we parked. We get out and these people just gave us an evil look and I immediately got anxious and worried. Went to dinner and had fun, forgot about the weirdoes in the car until we get back to the parking space. Low and behold the freaks had slashed one of the tires on my sisters car. Ummm question…why?

After that I have tried to be more careful but when people really make me mad I can’t help but honk the horn. Isn’t that the point of having one? Who knew honking the horn nowadays could get you killed. Sometimes when I cut someone off and then they stay behind me I wonder if they are going to follow me home and slash my tires or something. Yes, I can be paranoid but unfortunately in todays society these thoughts are more realistic than they should be. Why do we get so crazy on the road? What are we thinking when we make the decision to slash tires or shoot someone over road rage?