Wow…it’s obviously been a while since I updated and I apologize for that. I don’t have to tell you that life comes with a lot of distractions…or maybe I just did.
A lot of things have happened within the last year and a half. The main thing was that ironically, after I posted Texting is Scary! I ended up in a relationship. It didn’t last long, just shy of six months. It’s always great in the beginning or so I have been told. To tell the truth I am now 31 and this was my first real serious relationship. So the mistakes you usually make when you are a teenager or in your early twenties I did in my thirties. My sister told me right away that she thought I was settling. She is more experienced in this area so I understood but I also tried to prove her wrong.
Now I am not saying my relationship was really as toxic as I am sure others have been and I am not comparing in anyway, but if you are settling that alone is toxic to your relationship.
At first he always wanted to be with me which I found endearing but at the same time I was a little stifled by it because I like my space. I don’t know if it ended up being a tactic of his though because in the end it was reversed. He was really into playing black ops which annoyed the hell out of me. As soon as he got the newest XBOX he stopped coming by and I pretty much had to go to his place over the weekend. If he came over it was always such a hassle. It felt like I was always inconveniencing him. I had to be real mad at him for him to do anything for me and if he did it it wouldn’t take long for him to revert back to his old ways. I wanted him to call me more and he would, for about a week and then if I wanted to hear from him I had to call him. That really bothered me. Shouldn’t your significant other always want to hear from you? If not everyday at least a few days a week.
Suffice it to say I am back to being single and yes waiting for a freaking miracle. We ended breaking up because he told me he didn’t want a commitment. That makes me wonder “then why are you online seeking a committed relationship, you dick”?
I wanted to have a talk about why his friends didn’t know about me, why his family didn’t know about me and why his profile was still active? Granted mine was as well but I hid my profile so I wasn’t getting any messages and I wasn’t going to delete my profile unless he felt the same. It seemed like these questions made him panic and he realized I wanted more than he did. At the moment I was sad that he broke it off but when he called me about three weeks later asking to be friends I felt right with his decision and told him to delete my number.
So at my age I know I don’t have time to look for another mediocre relationship but thanks to the ex I know what I want and what I don’t want. I do want to clarify something. Just because I am green with this love thing and I indeed settled doesn’t mean I put up with his shit but when you see that his shit doesn’t change color then you know, he either doesn’t know how to care or he just doesn’t care and you should move on. When you give him several times to make you happy and he doesn’t, it’s better to be single.
Are you settling?
I did mention in a previous post that I am on an online dating website but I never really gave it much of a chance until recently. I have been more proactive and looking at other men’s profiles and that usually causes at least some of them to write you if they find you interesting.
The problems start when you actually respond to someone you might see yourself with or at least have an attraction towards. A lot of women are able to exchange messages and numbers and reach their goal… going out on that first date. I on the other hand am completely stagnant. Texting scares the shit out of me now and I never used to pay that much attention to it before but I realize that that is when I loose them.
Now every time I make some type of connection with someone on the site I freak out because I know that eventually they’ll give me their number and just like all the other conversations it will fizzle down.
I don’t bombard them with texts. I say my part and then wait for them to respond but I never know what the proper etiquette is and I never knew it was so damn complicated. Most of the time I wait for them to make the first move because I assume what I am sure most women assume as well. If a man is interested he will do anything to see you.
Every one has a different way of expressing themselves though and I am forever confused with what the rules are. I know someone who manages to be bombarded by dates and she doesn’t wait an hour to respond to a message she responds as soon as her phone rings. I read somewhere that you are supposed to take your time to respond to texts and make them think that you have your own life and aren’t waiting around for them. It really frustrates the hell out of me because this woman answers them immediately and she gets tons of dates while I try not to appear eager and get none.
I also read that we shouldn’t take our crushes not responding immediately as a form of rejection. I understand that people are busy and have lives but you cant always take 4 hours to respond to someone you supposedly like. I always thought that if you didn’t respond right away you weren’t interested. People are different so some rules wont apply to everyone but it seems like no matter how different the men I’ve been in contact with are from each other they, as well as us, still manage to play the same texting games.
I still get excited when I meet someone but words mean nothing to me anymore. In the moment I might get excited by the sweet words or mentions of the future but then I remember that others have done the same and have not acted on it.
I wish we could all just say how we feel and turn our words into actions instead of wondering all the time if your crush is truly into you or just bored.
So, would you rather text a bunch of men or women and never meet them or be known as the first date queen or king?
I recently finished my manuscript and for about a day I thought I was going to become an author. Why? Well because I had been in contact with a publishing company for a while and they had called to tell me that my manuscript had been accepted. I was so excited, I thought I was on top of the world although in the back of my mind I kept thinking this feels like a dream don’t get too excited. Well that didn’t work.
I wrote to my friends on facebook and of course people started liking and commenting on my post pretty quickly, mostly congratulating me which made me feel great and I must admit, inflated my ego quite a bit. I kept getting on facebook to see how many other people had heard of the news and then it happened. I got home and checked out their agreement and I felt like my world had shattered.
This company wanted me to pay them for the next 10 months totaling an amount of about 3000 dollars. Really? I mean I don’t know much about how the publishing industry works but I had always heard that if a company is asking you to pay them that you should just walk away. I felt like I was emotionally invested and for a few hours I thought that I would still go ahead with the deal. It is my money and I really want to get published plus I had made the announcement on facebook and I was freaking embarrassed!! I didn’t want to go back and say “Hey, hehehe funny thing happened but it was a false alarm.” So I figured I had to go on with the agreement. It didn’t last though which was a good thing. I immediately thought well hey if I told these people I was going to get published then I am just going to have to do just that!
I am now thinking of either self publishing or looking for literary agents. Any suggestions?
I think that if I hadn’t been so emotionally invested and excited I would have realized that if this company wanted me to cough up money in the first place it probably wasn’t the best idea. These people really know how to play on your emotions though. First of all I had always heard that getting published was so damn hard so when the road seemed to be so easy and smooth for me I just figured that it was the universe doing it for me. It didn’t help that the agent was telling me that my work was one of the best, that the board loved it and that everyone agreed that I would make a lot of money off my book. He also told me, after I voiced my hesitance because of the money, that even if I didn’t publish with them that he hoped I did publish because I would do very well.
I am not good at hiding my emotions but I am good at not wanting to be vulnerable so when someone praises you like that you can’t help but feel good about yourself and believe them and then maybe they can bend you into their own will. Self publishing intrigues me but it also scares me. It is a lot of research and then the marketing is something that troubles me a bit but sometimes to get to where you want to be or do you have to focus and push your emotions and feelings aside.
So why do we let our emotions get the best of us when we get that gnawing feeling in the pit of our stomach?
Wow!!! I know I have been MIA in the past but this is going on a little more than two months and I apologize for that. I promise I won’t go two months without updating again. Things have been going on and dare I say improving in my life. Have been getting busier working on other projects so that has kept my mind occupied. I am sure I have mentioned before that I am or was quite a negative nelly and am trying to be more positive.
I do feel happier even though I was stuck in the same old boring retail job that has no future until very recently. I am leaving the sucker and am finally going into a more creative atmosphere which is what I had always been craving! Funny thing though I got this job when I least expected it, as it usually happens. My sister had heard about this job fair and I wasn’t in any mood to go but went to shut her and my mom up and that is where I left my resume for this company and eventually heard from them and interviewed with them. I know if I hadn’t gone I would still have been stuck at this job and who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get out. Although as I said, I would’ve been stuck there with a more positive attitude (I can only hope).
Like I mentioned in my last post I am writing a book. I had said I would but I was scared to because I have to work on my lack of follow through when it comes to my writing projects. I have just recently started to feel more confident in my writing and so I am enjoying the process a lot more. Of course I have those moments where writing this novel drives me crazy because I can’t focus on my job and I find myself writing ideas on receipt paper and then there are times my mind is blank and I can’t think of anything at all. I have someone wanting to help me get published but I need to be approved by 3 people to be considered for the publishing company. I am keeping a positive attitude and for some reason I really believe I will be published as long as I finish the book on time (My deadline is the first week of September). I have been sending my work out and have been getting good feedback. All these things are really making me feel like a have a better sense of purpose in my life and therefore I feel more positive and confident in what is to come.
I am going back a little to my old negative ways when it comes to what my future job will entail. I have bad experiences before with jobs that seem to be to good to be true and they are and this company I’ll be joining gave me a bit of that vibe but I am not going to go into it thinking negatively or I will be doomed. I’ll go into it with a positive attitude and learn as much as I can and get everything I can out of it. Thinking positively has helped me reach my short term goals quicker than I had before but I still do have a long way to go. It still isn’t easy for me to plaster a fake smile on my face when I have one of the worst customers doing things that just annoy the hell out of me but someone told me you should act like you are already working at your dream job. This one is the hardest one for me to do cause as I have said over and over again I just didn’t like where I was! Was! That word sounds like heaven to me because it means I wont be at this job much longer. Now that is something to be positive about!
We do all tend to be brought down and think negatively because of the problems and obstacles that present themselves to us but there is always someone out there who is worse off than we are.
So why do we feel like victims in our own life when we should be grateful for what we have?
Dreams…. that word scares the crap out of me. My ultimate dream is to work in film and live in California. Because this is my ultimate goal it doesn’t scare me as much as my smaller dreams do. The ones that could potentially lead you to your final goal.
I get a lot of ideas… writing projects if you will. If you haven’t already noticed… I love to write which is why I decided to blog but writing scares me… which is why I don’t do it often. It is something I am praised about and yet I don’t believe I am any good at it. I don’t like reading what I have just written, it always seems off to me.
I have tried to write a few scripts but I get frustrated because I don’t know how to organize my thoughts or I try to come up with a different plot twist but my ideas just aren’t up to par and I give up and move on.
I recently watched the documentary “The Secret” and it really made me realize that I am not thinking the way that I am supposed to be thinking to feel fulfilled and happy in my life. I am a negative person so I attract negativity into my life. Now I have a new dream, the old me would say ” I am thinking about writing a novel”. The new me decides to say “I am going to write a novel”. This idea really scares me most of all, to the point where I don’t want to tell my parents because I am afraid I will never finish and disappoint them yet again with another unfinished writing project.
I am thinking more positive now so I know I will write this novel and I wont disappoint anyone anymore. I tell people what I am going to do so I feel committed and I do it but I just need to start doing it and believing more in my craft. If I believe that I am a good writer and think positively about the writing process and the experience that means that I am chasing at least one of my dreams and it will come true, and this could lead me to something else… you just never know.
So why are we scared of our dreams? Why do we think about doing something instead of taking action and just doing it?
My mom tells me that all the time JUST DO IT!
What is your first thought when you hear the word Risk? I know that there is the group of people who will mentally shit their pants at the mention of it and there are others that will get excited by it. Some people just thrive on the word and they smile in the face of a challenge. I think I am somewhat in the middle. I don’t mentally shit my pants, more like pee, but I also don’t really thrive on it. I always need to run my ideas by my friends and family and then I decide whether I should take the dive or not.
I do think I need to embrace the risks that come into my life more head on. I am very dependent on what others say around me that it could potentially keep me from living my life if I was talked out of taking a risk that could change my life for the better. I am currently thinking about moving to California. I had always had the idea of moving to the west because I studied film and its just the best place for the opportunity but I wanted to wait until I was 30. Lets just say it’s not working out that way. I didn’t expect to get depressed like I have been and I figured I would at least have my foot in the door by now…. alas… it ain’t happening that way. I have had at least 4 opportunities to get into something potentially exciting but they all fell apart. At this point the best thing for me is to move to the west coast and hopefully get an entry level position in a production company.
It is hard for me to take risks. I can get very complacent and I am terrified of what might happen if the risks I take don’t pan out but then I look at where I am now. I haven’t taken any life changing risks and the result of that is me working in a job I can’t stand, restless and depressed. At this point I really have nothing else to lose…..except for money.
I don’t know if I could just pack up and go with the little money I have and see what happens…. I mean come on!! I am still very new to this risk thing. My first risk was deciding to write this blog, but if I become restless enough I might end up doing that. Right now I am applying to jobs in the west coast and hopefully that way I wont go in so blind. Do you get scared every time you take a risk or do you get over it the more you face it?
I hear that your dreams are meant to scare you and if they don’t they aren’t big enough… so why do we shy away from something that we know will uplift us and make us happy?
Honey, Sweetie, Baby, are all terms of endearment that we give to people we care about. I honestly don’t use these words and don’t throw them around for just anyone but most normal people do. Now however, bitch seems to be a word that is being added to this list and I am very confused and dumbfounded as to why.
I remember the first time I heard girls call each other bitch without the venom that is usually heard in someone’s tone of voice while being spat out. I had gone to visit a cousin of mine and celebrated my 25th birthday with her. She got a little drunk and her and her friends just started saying things like “Aww, you bitch” or “Hey bitch, what’s up?” when waving at friends. I kept thinking….umm what? Come again? Are they using that word as a term of endearment? It really caught me off guard.
The worst thing you can call me is a bitch. I remember when I was in college I got a call in my dorm and it was just some bored prick making random phone calls but he called me a bitch and hung up. I had trouble sleeping that night so hearing these girls use this word so freely was a little upsetting to me. I know people might say that we shouldn’t give words power, you know, the whole sticks and stones bit but most of us aren’t as strong as that and we do take things to heart whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not.
Bitch has a negative connotation because lets face it, this word has almost always been used as an insult. There are so many other words we women could use to empower ourselves. Why not use a positive uplifting word instead of bitch? When I think someone is a bitch it sure isn’t cause I like her.